First Time Sex Etiquette
No matter how incredible the chemistry is between you two, the first time you have sex it generally isn’t dizzying and mind-blowing; it’s awkward and a bit bumpy.
You know when you meet someone great, have instant chemistry and a few incredible dates followed by dizzying, mind-blowing sex where you both orgasm in unison before falling asleep in each other’s arms and waking up in the same position, fresh-faced and glowing? You know? No, of course you don’t. Because this is real life, not a crap Kate Hudson rom-com. And in real life, no matter how incredible the chemistry is between you two, the first time you have sex it generally isn’t dizzying and mind-blowing; it’s awkward and a bit bumpy. Women don’t fall into a gentle slumber, encased in your big, strong arms. We pass out and awake with panda eyes and bad breath.
One of my girlfriends claims she has such amazing sex with every new partner it’s beginning to raise a few eyebrows. With every new conquest, she boasts how waves crashed, stars lit up, legs trembled, blah blah. I refuse to believe sex with someone new is that great every time. We’ve all had at least one first time with someone that was out-of-this-world, headboard -banging amazing, but it’s OK if it isn’t.
Most women get really nervous before sleeping with someone new for the first time. As if being fully naked in front of someone – someone you actually like and respect – isn’t mortifying enough, we’re consumed with performance anxiety, slut factor and whether or not you’re going to call the next day. Here’s the 10 facts about sex you didn’t know.
This is what goes through my mind in the run up to potential first-time sex with someone new:
‘What if he doesn’t call?’
‘I hate my body. I’m going to take my clothes off and he’ll laugh, shake his head and shove me out of the door.’
‘Did I shave my legs? I did. Wait. No. Yes. No. Shit.’
The legs one is the most prominent for me. My girlfriends and I often laugh at the standard woman, I Won’t Sleep With Him Tonight Tactic of not shaving our legs, which almost always results in sex anyway, just with an extra dose of self-consciousness.
One time I was so paranoid about my fuzzy legs, I stopped off at a corner shop on the way to this bloke’s house and bought a 99p disposable razor. Back at his, I dashed to the bathroom for a swift spruce up. I don’t know if it was the sexual anticipation, cheap razor or four double vodkas, but I ripped a decent chunk of skin from my shin, dabbed the blood with tissue and thoughtlessly pulled my tights back on. I emerged from the bathroom beaming and sat seductively on his bed, blissfully unaware that blood was seeping through my tights and onto his Egyptian cotton white sheets. He screamed. I blurted, ‘Don’t worry, it’s not menstrual!’ and so ensued the worst night of my life.
But back to normal, first-time sex experiences. Post-coital cuddling is crucial. Women are emotional beings, especially after sex. The worst thing you can do is roll over and go straight to sleep. The (ahem) hardest thing about first-time sex is that you’re not yet used to each other’s bodies, rhythm and preferences. I have friends that find it impossible to orgasm with a new bloke the first few times they have sex. It’s an emotional act for us, you see, not just physical. So, if she doesn’t finish and you do, do not worry.
ASSIMILATE THE REASONS WHY THIS IS HOW NOT TO TINDER
What will bother us is if you haven’t even tried. Foreplay, affection, and telling us how amazing and gorgeous we are: just as important. Trust me, you being selfish in bed will not make us come back for more. And if she does do something as hideously embarrassing as cut her leg and bleed over your bed, have the decency to laugh it off. Or at least get her a plaster.